Love is in the Air. And Also in a Headlock.

Engagement photos: Why?

It seems like such a simple thing: stand next to someone you love, point and click. So what is it with engagement photos? The vast majority of them seem to involve implausible poses, puzzling locales, and unsubstantiated exuberance. They're the photographic equivalent of an awkward cocktail party non-sequitur.

I remember my own engagement photo like it was yesterday. In my bridal stupor, I somehow believed that a photo of Michael and I in a porch swing would be a perfect representation of our happy future. No, we were not ninety years old at the time, and I believe it was the first and only time we've ever sat in a porch swing together.

Why? Why?

I've complied a brief guide with a few observations and suggestions I've culled after looking at this year's slew of engagement announcement photos:

Bride type: Classic.

How to spot her: Twinsets. Blinding glare of shiny hair.
What they were going for: As I hug my adorable fiance, casually check out my ring. Your visible jealousy will affirm that getting engaged is the best thing ever!

What it looks like: I pledge allegiance, on someone else's chest....

Try instead: Want to show that ring but have an edgier photo? Gang sign. East Side!

Bride Type: Playful

How to spot her: Fall foliage. Jeans. Ball caps. May be a former gymnast.

What they were going for: Sporty. Feigned spontaneity. A piggyback ride.

What it looks like: Leapfrog.

Try instead: Build a spirit pyramid at your rehearsal dinner with your bridesmaids and groomsmen.

Bride type: Level II Playful

What they were going for: Impromtu, outdoorsy affection.

What is looks like: A headlock with a noogie waiting to happen. A noogie, a wedgie, and a purple nurple to get him back for telling everyone at Camp Chippewa he got to third base with her.

Try instead: Get married in your thirties.

Bride type: Nature's Daughter

Where to spot her: Amber waves of grain. Sepia tones.

What they were going for: Splendor in the grass. Rustic. Ralph Lauren.

What it looks like: Cue the theme song from Little House on the Prairie and watch the Ingalls girls come galavanting down the hill. Is this the one where Mary goes blind? You guys, that one is so sad. Why does Laura call Almanzo "Manly?" It embarrasses me.

Try instead: Allegra commercial audtions. Unless of course, you are these people:
If you own the hat and the ranch and the shirts, you are fully committed and the genuine article. Proceed. Maybe you could lend your stirrups to this gal:

Bride Type: "Pushy" Bride

How to spot her: Her knees are touching her boobs.

What they were going for: Way casual. And grass stains.

What it looks like: Lamaze. She's smiling too big to be crowning. I'm guessing 5 centimeters. Still, that's no excuse to be cupping her ass, pal.

Try instead: An epidural.

Seriously, guys, stand up or everyone will think it's a ninth-month shotgun wedding! Which leads me to:

Bride Type: 9 1/2 Weeks

How to spot her: Her nipples will be showing through her shirt. The back of her hair is ratty.

What they were going for: Edgy. Sexy. Announcing their engagement while simultaneously announcing to their loved ones (and presumably their grandparents) that no couple ever before or since has had hotter, or more photogenic, sex than they do.

What it looks like: That softcore porn they show on late night Showtime.

Try instead: A blush or bashful wedding dress, 'cause honey, we know white won't do.

Bride type: Uncomfortable.

How to spot her: Neck brace

What they were going for: Let's get this over with on my parents' deck.

What it looks like: In free association? Arms. Teeth whitener. Shoulder cramp. The deck needs sanding and staining. Pollen stains. Your ribs are digging into me! Elbows. Ticks. Splinters.

Try instead: Lawn chairs.

I joke, I joke, you crazy kids! I know it's all to easy to get caught up in the pose-y pose of the engagement photo. Just relax, take a breath, and go for something beautiful, like this:

No pressure!